THE ULTIMATE
HEALING
You don't get to decide
how you're
going to die or even when. You can only decide how you're going to
live.
...Joan Baez
Have you
ever noticed how thinking about something seems to attract more of
the same? That's just what happened to Rick. You see, Rick was a victim
of AIDS, and the challenge that brought him also brought him to some
very important truths. Learning about his experience moved me so much,
I’d like for you to know about him, too.
When Rick discovered he had AIDS, naturally his first reaction was
to try to get well, and he pursued that goal diligently. However,
somewhere along the way it occurred to him that his pursuit of "getting
well" might be interfering with the lessons life was trying to
teach him. It wasn't that he didn't want to be healed. He just didn't
want to lose sight of the lessons along the way, so gradually his
perspective began to change. While he never gave up his desire to
be healed, more and more he began to focus on the lessons inherent
in his situation, and he opened himself to those lessons completely.
It was a big decision, but once he made that commitment, he never
looked back.
While it is easy to talk about wanting to change, more often than
not we expect change to just "happen." In the meantime,
we keep on having the same old thoughts, so of course we keep on having
the "same old" experience, but change doesn't "happen"
until our thinking changes. When we change our responses to life,
our experience changes, too. That is why change is very much an inner
issue. Rick knew this. He knew that if change was going to happen
for him, he was the one who would have to bring it about.
Of course, saying that and doing it can be two different things. Sometimes
we just don't know how to begin. Neither did Rick, but he knew he
had to start somewhere, so he decided to begin by looking at all the
daily pieces of his life. He paid attention to how he was responding
to what was going on in his life. He listened to what he was thinking.
He audited his feelings. It was a discipline, of course, but Rick
discovered that if he watched his inner activity much like an outside
observer would, it was much easier to see how he was shaping his days.
Rick learned first hand how important it is to work with every day
events and let them be his teachers, even the events that are most
difficult. Especially the ones that are the most difficult. He came
to look on those difficult moments as great blessings simply because
they offered him the most room for growth.
The next thing Rick did was make a commitment to be grateful every
day. When you know your days are numbered - and they are for all of
us - it is easier to think about gratitude. Rick began to appreciate
how special each moment was. He began to recognize the precious opportunity
each day brings. He found it easier to put aside all the busy-ness
that wanted to fill his days so he could make room for the solitude
and inner stillness that was the very ground of his being. Before
long, Rick found that "sitting in the stillness" wasn't
enough. For it to have any real impact on his life, he knew he needed
to bring that stillness into his daily life, into his every thought
and feeling, and so day by patient day, he began to integrate the
stillness and the peace into his daily living.
That was when he became aware of the presence. While he knew it was
his own presence he was sensing, it was also more than that. This
experience was something new for him, and the daily-ness of that presence
opened a door - a way of seeing - he'd never known before. As this
awareness grew within him, he began to sense that same presence in
others, too. He saw that same living, loving presence looking back
at him everywhere he went. From that time forward Rick knew he would
never be alone, no matter what.
Seeing this presence in others freed him to love and be grateful for
them as well, and so it was that the quality of his relationships
with others became part of his daily practice of devotion and gratitude.
This practice helped him build the inner confidence and fortitude
that would carry him through harder times later on.
Something else Rick learned was to recognize when he was getting in
the way by judging. We all do this. We judge things constantly. This
is good, that is bad. This is happy, that is not. We like this, we
don't like that. Rick calls this "grasping for extremes,"
and he found that whenever he grasped for extremes, his inner peace
was always disturbed. The peace he is talking about, of course, is
the peace he had found in the stillness, in the undisturbed quiet
of his soul.
Since Rick was doing a lot of "grasping," he decided to
work on his thinking. At first it was like trying to catch the wind,
but he stuck with it, and gradually, over time, he began to see a
difference. It began to get easier to let go. To let be what will
be. To not get hung up on results. To trust that whatever happens
is for the best. It's called surrender, and that habit - that practice
- became an undeniable source of strength when the going got rough.
To his surprise, Rick found it was possible to train his mind not
to fall into its habitual patterns. By just being with his mind and
observing it compassionately, after a while he saw how things just
come and go. Nothing stayed around very long. That was when he realized
that regardless of whatever came and went, he was always there. He
saw how his mind was just a tool. As with any tool, he needed to use
it wisely. Rick discovered he could take his mind in hand, much like
a little child, and teach it what he wanted it to do.
This was important, because later on, during those harder times, Rick
found he could draw a line beyond which he was not willing to let
his mind go. He recognized when he was approaching deep waters, and
he consciously determined not to go where he did not want to swim.
Instead he focused on what he did want, and what he wanted was happiness.
Rick concluded that regardless of what his body was doing, he could
still choose to be happy. He could still rest in that beautiful, radiant
presence.
This kind of acceptance, this kind of freedom proved to be very cleansing
for Rick. It allowed him to use his pain and his illness as a means
of growth, both for himself and others. It allowed him to see through
his pain and suffering to one of the greatest gifts it offered - who
he really was. So day after day Rick simply, humbly practiced being
who he was. In all the little daily things, he affirmed the truths
on which he was hanging the sum total of his faith.
Finally Rick began to understand that his thoughts, his life and even
his death were just windows to a little bit more of "the view."
For Rick, there was no darkness. There was only light, and it lit
up everything he saw. More and more, Rick began to see the fabric
of life itself as one uncut, unbroken whole. More than that, he knew
that he was whole, regardless of the condition his body was in. For
Rick, this was the ultimate healing. In that moment of quiet understanding,
all his fears left as quietly as they had come.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Donna Miesbach~